Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
