I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
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