Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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