im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
