I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
