His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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