I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
