he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
