We won't sleep together?
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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