"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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