Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
