There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
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