i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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