the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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