I wish I could teleport
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Just invented taco cereal.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Randomize
