Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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