oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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