he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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