dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
