there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
