This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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