I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Randomize
