You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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