I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
