Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
The best revenge is premature balding
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
