and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
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