This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
