I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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