hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
