Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
