I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
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