Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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