thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
