i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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