Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I am available for nakedness
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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