I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
