even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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