I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
