were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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