I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
