sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Randomize
