I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
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