he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Im part way to drunk.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
