Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
