She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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