New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Is it penis luge time yet?
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
