Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
