I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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