did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
