How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
